Thoughts of a Setitian Male
by ChelleyBean
Summary: A peek into the mind of Specialist Ronon Dex
1. The Ties That Bind

My world is gone.

My people are gone.

We were a proud race.

Our allies and trade partners didn't think we knew what they said of us. They said that we were primal, savage, only just barely able to claim civility. They were surprised that a race that was so given towards their more basic natures could have accomplished so much in the way of science and society. But we knew what they said of us. We simply didn't care. If they recognized how willing we were to erupt into violence if it was needed for us to do so, then they were unlikely to betray us out of fear of our retribution.

Now I am all that is left.

I have been running so long that it is difficult to remember a time when I was one of the 'civilized'. Meals had been whenever there was time and made of whatever had been available. Sleep had come when there had been a few moments of relative safety. I had cut myself off from others to prevent innocents from being targeted by the Wraith. After seven years, had been nothing of the civilized, modern Setitian soldier left. All that had remained was the creature that our allies had whispered about behind closed doors, a Setitian male who wore his humanity as a thin shroud over something far more dangerous.

These people, these men and women from Earth, they had never heard of Setita before they had brought me here. I had taken Sheppard and Teyla hostage because I had been loath to kill them when they had offered no direct threat to me. I had needed to get through the Ring of the Ancients, to move on to the next world before more Wraith came for me. I had not dared to think that they could mean my salvation.

Their doctor had removed the tracking device when two others before him had proven unable to do so. I was free from the Wraith and their pursuits.

Although they kept me under guard after my capture of two of their own, they gave me a secure place to rest, their doctors offered me further care to treat malnutrition and weariness brought on by years of running and they offered to share their food with me. All without demanding anything in return.

They attempted to return me to my people, only to find that my people are no more. Now Sheppard offers me a place here among them. He offers me a chance to claim my revenge against those who destroyed my world. He offers me a place amongst these men and woman who face the Wraith bravely.

And there is Teyla.

She is proud, fierce and strong. Even when I had my weapon leveled at her head, she had shown no fear. She holds herself tall, though she is so much smaller than I. She faces her enemies without hesitation and fights with the spirit of a warrior. She reminds me of the women from my own world. She could be Setitian, even though I know she is not. With this woman, someone from this galaxy rather than one from so far away, I would not have to be completely alone.

Sheppard was late. I had come here to watch Teyla and he spar, to see what they might have to share with me in such things. She offered to train with me as she waited for him to arrive, so I accepted. She proved cunning and graceful. I tried to take her, but she countered my every move. It wasn't until Sheppard arrived that she allowed her attention to waiver. He questioned my being here, though not in so many words. I took the opening her distraction provided. Two moves to disarm her. One smooth sweep of my weapon to bring her to the floor. I had readied my staff to strike, only to have Sheppard's hand wrap around it.

"What the Hell do you think you're doing?"

I looked into the eyes of the man who offered me a place here as we both stood. There was anger at my actions, overridden only by the concern he felt for the woman I had pinned to the floor. I had seen that look before, in the eyes of my friends and in the other men of my family. They wore it when their wives and their daughters were disrespected or threatened.

I looked down at Teyla to gauge her response. Her eyes were not on me. They had flicked to Sheppard, softening somewhat for just a moment before she schooled herself back to her usual, calm demeanor.

I turned my eyes back to Sheppard, squashing the feeling of regret that tried to settle within me. "I wouldn't have hurt her."

Teyla rose to her feet as he moved to place himself between us. "It sure as Hell looked like you were going to." He was willing to challenge me; in spite of knowing I could easily kill him.

I claimed my things and tossed them over my shoulder, sparing Teyla one last glance as she assured him that she was unharmed. I said no more as I walked past them, my guards in my wake.

Certainly, I could have challenged his claim to her. I knew that I would win did I do so. However, I had seen the recognition in her eyes as she looked at him, seen the subtle hints in her posture as she faced him. The ties that bound them were already firmly in place, even though I doubted either of them would have admitted it to themselves, much less to one another.

A Setitian male understands women more than he lets on. We know full well that it does little good to fight another of his mate. If she is truly bound to him, she will not forget him simply because he has died at your hands. You might possess her body, but you will never possess her heart. She will always harbor him there, clinging to his memory. I knew that Teyla would have always held on to Sheppard, no matter how well I may have cared for her. The bonds between them have been there for a long time, far longer than I have known her.

I left them in the training room to work matters out on their own. No matter how much they may fight or argue, no matter how much they may try to deny their feelings, they will still have one another.

And I am still alone.


	2. A Worthier Man

Kell is dead.

The traitor is dead.

I had not dared to believe that he was still alive and that I would have the chance to avenge the thousands who had died because Kell had cared only for saving his own cowardly hide. Teyla had no way of knowing what Solen was telling me, though Solen knew all to well. He told me because he was unable to kill him. He told me because he knew that I could.

Solen was correct in saying there is no greater bond than that of an untrained soldier and his taskmaster. I had been only one of many green men, wild and untested and in desperate need of taming. Kell had forged us into warriors. We had hated him nearly as much as we had come to love him. He was everything we wanted to become ourselves and we did everything we could to earn even the faintest praise from him.

How blind we were.

The shock of being betrayed by someone so great had cut us to the quick, but in the midst of a Wraith attack we had been unable to take the time to fully realize what had happened. I, and a few of my brothers in arms, witnessed Kell's retreat with my own eyes. He fled only minutes after ordering so many of us to our deaths. He used our lives to save his own, and his actions had left a foul, bitter taste in my mouth. He was the reason why I was unwilling to trust Sheppard when I met him. If a hero such as Kell was capable of such great treachery, then how could any leader be trusted?

I did not fully believe him when Sheppard claimed to be on that world to find one man. I felt that there had to be something special about this 'Ford' to warrant a team of fully armed soldiers to enter into a potentially deadly situation to find him. Perhaps he was a criminal or a murderer they wished to bring to justice. That they sought him only because they feared for his health and well being seemed unrealistic.

After I had freed him, I fully expected him not to return. I had not been sure what to do with the woman once he had proven himself just as deceitful as Kell. She was strong and I suspected she would be good in a fight, but I could not risk taking her with me no matter how lonely I felt. I had decided that I would leave her there when I departed, letting her get back to her people on her own. She could deal with her own traitor after that. But she was not betrayed and Sheppard had returned, with the doctor as he promised. And they took the tracking device out of my back as he had promised.

I accepted their invitation to return to their world out of curiosity more than anything else. I had thought that perhaps a Lieutenant Colonel must be a lower ranking officer, one that was ordered into such a foolish mission by someone else. But there was only one man of higher rank than Sheppard, and he was not staying long. I learned that Sheppard had been the leader over the soldiers for some time and was still their leader in every way that counted.

I understood the guards. Had Sheppard been the Runner and I the one who found him, I would have placed him under guard as well. My actions in beginning had given him little reason to trust me with the lives of his men. They were with me at all times, the only moments outside of their vision being those I spent inside the quarters provided to me. They did attempt to return me to my home, but that proved impossible. When I was offered the chance to stay on Atlantis the idea had some merit behind it, but I had to know more about this man with whom I would be serving.

The soldiers were willing to train with me, and in training they were willing to talk to me. I learned of a Colonel Sumner who had come here with them, only to fall victim to the Wraith. John Sheppard had gone in on his own to rescue him, but in the end he had been forced to kill him out of mercy. I learned that when the Wraith had been coming here to attack they had been searching for a way to destroy the hive ships, but had needed a way to deliver their bombs. John Sheppard had put one in one of their 'puddle jumpers' with the intent of flying it into a hive ship himself, knowing it would be a suicide mission. Only the timely arrival of their reinforcements with the technology to transport him to safety had saved his life. There had been other rumors. The soldiers told me that John Sheppard had a 'black mark' on his record from a war on their home world. He had disobeyed a direct order, but had only done so to save the lives of three other men.

I still do not fully understand him, but I am learning to trust him. When we were attacked and taken prisoner on that penal colony, I thought he was afraid to actually fight. It wasn't until later that I understood that Sheppard's main focus is to get those under his command back home alive. If that meant he had to take some risks or lose a minor battle in the beginning, then he would do so. Ultimately, he did not wish to sacrifice others needlessly and would rather be the one to fall than have others die for him.

I will stay with these people, for now. Staying here lets me fight the Wraith, and perhaps even one day play a part in ridding our galaxy of them once and for all. And I will take orders from John Sheppard.

Because the man known as Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard is nothing like Kell.


	3. Who Decides

"We do."

That was all that Teyla had needed to say to me. It was up to us to decide just when Sheppard's orders should be followed and when they should be ignored.

That was not how it was done on Setita.

On Setita, a military commander would make the choice to order a man to his death if the mission was important. Kell had taken things too far. A good leader would only do so if the success of the mission would save the lives of others, and he would never order a large number of men to the same death. Kell had sent thousands to die just to save himself.

Sheppard is the opposite. He is reluctant to put those under him in mortal danger. He is more likely to take the suicide mission himself. I'm still uncertain of how to feel about this particular trait. On one hand, it seems quite admirable. On the other, it seems foolhardy.

There is only one other officer of higher ranking on Atlantis, and that man is the commander of the starship that will not always be there. Below Sheppard's rank of Lt. Colonel are several people holding the rank of Major. If I understand their ranking system correctly, the most senior Major would be expected to step in and take Sheppard's place if he fell in battle, as Sheppard did when the Colonel who had come with him initially fell to the Wraith. Many of them are good, solid officers, but few of them have the same 'feel' as Sheppard. It takes more than rank to make an effective leader.

Dr. Weir is in charge of Atlantis. This doesn't make sense to me, but it apparently had something to do with diplomacy. From what I have been able to glean out of bits of conversations, Sheppard's home world has many cultures, religions and people living on it. It sounds like an entire galaxy crammed onto one planet that possesses over six billion human lives. Dr. Weir is experienced in negotiations between these different peoples and in mediating differences of opinion, allowing her to reduce the number of conflicts amongst the scholars and soldiers that may arise from ethnic and social strains. John has told me that it was a conglomeration of world leaders who had requested that someone they could all support be given leadership of Atlantis, and they were unlikely to support a single officer from only one nation. Weir is the leader of the city; Sheppard is the leader of the soldiers.

Still, I have Weir's obvious feelings of respect towards Sheppard. I've heard her defend him against Caldwell, admitting that he has saved the lives of everyone on that city and is an invaluable person. So why, then, does she allow him to risk his life over and over again? Though I have only been with these people for a few weeks, even I can see that the sudden absence of John Sheppard would leave a chaotic vacuum within Atlantis as the soldiers are forced to try and come to terms with new leadership. The level of trust and respect Sheppard has earned from these men is not easily given. It is clear that these Earth soldiers are emboldened to have a leader who would never ask of them what he would not do himself.

They were simply too close to the matter. It takes an outsider to see things as they are.

"We do."

As part of Sheppard's team, it is my place to be there when needed. Teyla was right in saying that Atlantis, that these people are the best hope there was to ridding the galaxy of the Wraith, once and for all. To do so, however, they will have to remain as solid and as well grounded as they were now. That cannot be if John Sheppard throws his life away in a valiant attempt to keep his men from dying. Taking risks is one thing; taking foolish risks is unacceptable.

For the sake of all those who lived under the threat of Wraith cullings, someone has to protect Lt. Colonel John Sheppard from himself.

As a member of his team, it is my place to decide when Sheppard needs to be stopped from going too far.

Even if I have to beat the sense of the matter into him.


	4. Dread

Dread.

It is the only word that adequately describes what I'm feeling right now. No pity. No sympathy. Just a cold dread of watching a man I've come to trust transform from a competent, surefooted military leader into something I despise.

It doesn't surprise me that the Wraith evolved from bugs. They are too alien, too far separated from their 'human' side. They take too much joy in the feeding, too much pleasure in the pain they inflict. Looking back, I have to admit that Ellia was different. She tried to resist her nature, tried to hold back. Part of me wishes that Beckett's retrovirus had worked for her. The rest of me still believes that a Wraith can never change what it is.

Beckett has removed John to another part of the infirmary and asked us to leave so he can work. Even McKay has little to say. He just sits there, a lost expression in his eyes. Teyla holds her shoulders back tightly, a slight pinched look about her mouth. They told me of the time Sheppard was attacked by one of the bugs, how it latched onto him and they had been forced to 'kill' him to make it let go. Now he is turning into the very thing that had almost claimed his life before. I cannot imagine what he must be going through. It would be like me turning into a Wraith. I would rather die than face such a fate. I'm certain that's how John feels right now.

There is something more. Both Teyla and Dr. Weir seem on edge, frightened. Sheppard had been willing to do harm in order to escape. He wasn't himself; we all know that. I know that he would never forgive himself if he killed a member of this expedition. I know he would rather take his own life than to bring harm to a friend. And deep down, I know that he considers me in that category as well. It has been a long time since I have known someone who would make such a sacrifice for me. It is… humbling.

So now I have to be willing to make a sacrifice of my own. Beckett is a good doctor. I know that he can accomplish things that healers of other worlds can only dream about. Still, he has a driving need to help all that are wounded and dying. He will not be willing to do what John will want done if we cannot find a way to save him. John Sheppard would not want to live like this. He would not want this transformation to complete itself. I pray that Beckett finds a cure.

Because I dread the time when I must kill my friend.


End file.
